check out my wordpress blog. I am having trouble with this one.

Link: http://mytimetoshine45.wordpress.com/

I sit at a very nice meal with a crowd of my peers. We exchange very interesting remarks towards one another, not caring if others could hear us. We start a conversation about cock blocking and how that is the worst thing you could do to a 'friend.' I put marks around that word due to one specific reason. Reason being that a friend should be a friend who helps you through the hard times, a person who you could reveal your deepest darkest secrets, and maybe - if you are lucky - this person could let you know when you are out of line.

Coming to the University of Missouri I had a very sad thought reappear every single day. My friends back in Homewood are some people I consider my best friends. One of them in particular has been with me through a lot of ups and downs in my life. I tell him everything and vice versa. When I go home it is always awesome to see him, but besides him there has been a lack of REAL friendship throughout my lifetime.

As of right now I am very involved in 'The Rock.' They are the church I attend, and each week I attend up to four different groups through the church. I love each of them for different reasons, but I need something more. There is something wrong with the way I think. I wish I could feel comfortable enough to open up to. There have been moments of openness, but there are some things that I have only revealed to a couple people. One took me seriously and tried to help me through the issue, but the other group took it as a joke. They laughed in my face about it, almost mocking me to a certain extent. I shrugged it off as just another stupid thing, but it eats at me every day.

I have thought about this every single day, but I think I am comfortable enough to say something.

I have an addiction problem that attacks my mind on an hourly basis. Maybe even a 15 minute basis.

I find myself struggling each and every day with these problems. Even with all of my faith in God, I find myself disappointing Him each day. I know that I need to stay strong in His word and find a release for my situation, and I have been making strides to do just that, but sometimes I break down.

When my 'friends' scoffed at my issue I could feel my heart break. I knew that they did not take me seriously. I had just explained the deepest pain in my life... and they laughed.

One man helped me try to work things out through God. He has been the greatest influence in my life as of late. He listened to me for multiple hours talking about my problems. My mother has also been a major help, but tomorrow morning I am going to tell her some heart breaking things. I need to tell her the one thing that has haunted me for up to five years of my life. I need help and I have realized that my friends at The Rock need to become the friends I eat with, the friends I hang out with every day, the friends I tell everything, and the friends I want to be there at my wedding.

God has blessed me with another opportunity. This is it. If I ever relapse from this I promise I will tell the world what my problem is right here on my blog. I am going to thrive in the pressure. Just wait and see. It has been 24 hours. I can keep this up.

God Bless
Signing out,
Jake

Last night I remember a snippet of a dream I was having, and it included an ex-girlfriend of mine. I have rarely had dreams about past girlfriends, but this dream stuck out as something meant to happen.
Throughout my horrible history of having a women enter and exit my life within a short period of time, there has only been one that I have regretted breaking up with. Every time the thought of her beauty comes to mind I get butterflies again. The feeling actually ends up making me feel sick. You might be asking why in the world did I break up with someone who I think is so amazing, well I keep asking myself that same question.
There are two possibilities that always come up.
Option #1 - Previous to that relationship I could not handle a relationship that was ten minutes away, so a relationship 40 minutes away seemed to be impossible. I psyched myself out before we could fully grow.
Option #2 - I could not handle being with someone at that specific time -for a reason that slips my mind right now- and I knew that it eventually would not work out.

Option #1 seems to make the most sense, even thought as I sit here watching my phone's colorful beeper flash green. When It turns to blue I have received a text. I sit in this uncomfortable chair with one person on my mind. The one person I was too immature to be with.

By the way, whenever I talk about her I always end up calling her "The One I Want Back."

So before I get all emo on you guys, I wanted to thank you for reading along. If you don't read daily that is completely fine, but thank you anyways. I appreciate you reading a line of my life. Hope you guys know how much it means to me.

To The One I Want Back:
Please know that next year I want to have you back in my life. Now do not think I want you to go back out with me because I was an asshole back then. I have matured. I want you in my life. It does not matter if you are just a great friend or a possible girlfriend. You mean a lot to me. Hope you and your current boyfriend stay together, I really do. All I want is for you to be happy. God has blessed me with many things, and I know things have worked out for the best.
-Your good friend,
Jake

Song of the Day: "Dreams Are Dead" by Gas Station Robber.
Movie of the Day: Slumdog Millionaire

God Bless
Signing out,
Jake

During my ride home, Kelsey, Adym, Dave, and I came across some songs that needed some publicity.... due to our love for them.

Here Without You - 3 Doors Down
That's Not My Name - The Ting Tings
Girls Girls Girls - Jay-Z
Misery Business - Paramore
That's What You Get - Paramore
Poker Face - Lady Gaga
Right Round - Flo Rida

Songs that I think deserve attention:
Stop This Song - Paramore
Bang Bang - K'naan
Lifeline - Papa Roach
You and I - Shane and Shane
America - Justine Bennett

BUT....
This song I listened to a bunch of times! Great stuff. It makes me laugh every time *knock on wood.*
CHECK IT OUT BY CLICKING ON THE LINK!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PQjw9QkzGPU

God Bless
Signing out,
Jake

Over spring break I have done a couple things. literally.... only a couple.
These are: watch TV, hang out with friends and family, and watch movies.

Here are my reviews of the movies over break.

Milk - A
One of the best movies that I have had the pleasure of seeing in a long time. Sean Penn did a fantastic job playing Harvey Milk. An inspirational movie that everyone should see.
Changeling - B+
Acting from Angelina was good... she only had to say a couple lines over and over and over and over again.... but it was an overall solid movie.
Quantum of Solace - B-
please have a plot.... to much action. entertaining tho.
Vicki Christina Barcelona - B+
I dont know why I liked it so much. Just a good movie to see. definitely different and good in all aspects.
Twilight - B-
yes... i saw it. I liked it. Cant wait for the next one to come out in 2010.

argue with me please. I enjoy it. lol

God Bless
Signing out,
Jake

On The Wire
By: Jake Gonzales

Force me on the wire
make me walk the line
I'll run across to meet you
the sweat drips off my face
with my thoughts running faster than I could

My feet are cut by this wire
as the blood runs drips to the ground
splashing against the cement
my DNA lay on the cracked sidewalk
starting to boil over with anger

The hatred of those eyes
the judge and the jury were there
Stabbing my heart with a look
and you had no care
mind and soul being torn apart

the cuts on my toes rips my veins
spewing out is my strength
the wire gets slicker
I can not keep standing here
so push me off

...you already have.

So tonight around 10:15pm I was driving my friend's car down Maryland (street right off of Stankowski). I happened to look to my left to see these three young women. Please look at these facts and THEN imagine them with all the details.
The details: short dress -the kind that end three inches above the knee-, high heels, straight hair - the one in the middle had blonde hair while her friends downed brown hair. She had a bob... I think that is what it is called. -, and these girls were laughing and probably drunk. The moment I saw these young women I thought to myself, "Wow. If I had not changed in the recent months, I would probably try to talk to them."
In the past couple weeks I have had a few questions cross my mind.
Please help me answer these over time because they will come up eventually.

I got an event to write about.
ps. Im going home tomorrow night!!!! ahhh SPRING BREAK!

To this point of the day I have stayed on schedule. So I'm going to keep praying for success.
I am sad I can not make FLG, but I will definitely never miss another one. Well... maybe Ill go for the first half or something. We'll see.
After these next two things (event, and another event) I will get some food! gosh I can't wait.
Then STUDY! ALL NIGHT!
I'm on a mission.
God's mission.

God Bless
Signing out,
Jake

Great song check it out.

So today here is my schedule:

1. Political Science 1230pm
2. call cashier 2pm
3. Spanish 3pm
4. Spanish help 4pm
5. J1100 reading 430pm
6. Write thesis for English paper 6pm
7. Invisible Children movie 7pm
8. cant go to FLG due to too much homework and studying.
9. Do Political Science Review! - or get from Adym if it looks good. 930pm
10. STUDY STUDY STUDY FOR SPANISH TEST TOMORROW! 10pm or 1115pm

Wednesday: SPANISH TEST. English Thesis Due. J1100 reading needs to be done.
Thursday: Political Science Test. Spanish Oral Exam.
Friday: J1100 reviewing. English Rough Draft.

This is the best week ever. Mark it down.... haha

God Bless
Signing out,
Jake

For the third time in the past week I have been a witness to a complete stranger crying. These have all been young women. All very beautiful young women.
This has brought some great thought as of late. Some thought about genuine happiness.
It is sad to see how sad people are in possibly the most stereotyped place as 'happy.' College. College is pressure. College is hard work. College is being broke. To see so many people stressing all of the time is sad. Cheer up. Put on a smile. Smile as if there is something to smile about even if you don't think there is.
I can't say I am a role model is this, but I hope one day those three young women I saw this week put a smile on and feel free in God's great world.
Feel good because one day things will be fine. Things will better than how they are now.

God Bless
Signing out,
Jake

LETI student retrains at age 65
Dorie Clark re-enters the law enforcement field after being absent since 1992.


By Jacob Gonzales
Published March 13, 2009

Dorie Clark has not worked in law enforcement since 1992, but now he's back for more.

At the age of 65, Clark has become the oldest trainee in the 50-year history of the MU Extension's Law Enforcement Training Institute.

This past November, Clark wanted to get back into law enforcement, but he did not realize it until he dropped his stepson off for police training. He said he was unsure if he was able to attempt a return into the police field.

"I asked if they had an age limit, but (his stepson's instructor) said I needed to go back to school and be recertified," Clark said. "She recommended I go to LETI and that's where I ended up in January."

LETI Director Gary Maddox said Clark has an energy that the other trainees can easily relate to.

"He has a youthful zeal about him that causes him to fit right in," Maddox said.

Clark was a police officer from 1989 to 1992 in Missouri, but then he started his own private investigating and security service.

Clark knew when he stopped being a police officer in 1992 he still felt the passion of being an officer.

"I thought it would be a good idea to go back into law enforcement again because I missed it once I came out of it," he said. "I knew that's where my heart was."

After years of not being a police officer, Clark has never thought getting back into the field would be very challenging for him. He said his instructors have made training challenging but also enjoyable.

"I have a mindset of getting used to things and I do love challenges so I knew it would not be problem getting back into it," Clark said. "We have great instructors, and I do not get any special treatment by doing this. I like that."

Clark said the most challenging part of training has been the 6 a.m. physical training sessions, but he said he enjoys the treatment he gets from his instructors.

Clark has noticed his presence brings inspiration to trainees of all ages, helping some of them get through some of physical training.

"Some of them are in their 30s and 40s, and some of them have just come back from Iraq and they are having problems doing the course," Clark said. "Their reaction to this point has been that I do inspire them."

Maddox said Clark is admirable for not giving up his desire to become an officer once again.

"I am delighted when I see people like Mr. Clark willing to sacrifice what it takes to be a police officer in the world today and to do so at an age when most people are looking to retire or to just coast the rest of the way," Maddox said.

Clark said his message is if he can do it then others can do it as well, and he hopes that others in his situation come back into the field as well.

After LETI, Clark hopes to receive a job as a police officer at either Lincoln University or in Jefferson City.

for more information check out The Maneater. Go TIGERS!

I exit the library. I lean my left shoulder up against a light pole. I see a girl. She is on the phone with someone, and I could not tell who but to tell you the truth, I do not think it mattered who. She was crying. She talked about her quizzes and tests and the stress she is under. Gosh I can feel for her.

This message ran through my mind…
“Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?” Matthew 6:27

I worry about things as well. Please do not get the picture that I am saying I am perfect. Just take a breath. Step back from it all and take a single breath. At the end of the day worrying does not get you anywhere.
This young girl walked past me as fast as it took to process what she was saying, but these things I notice more and more. College students are so stressed. Relax, Breath. Relax, Breath. Relax, Breath. Take. A. Breath. Please.

God is with all of you. Trust Him and things will be at peace.

God Bless
Signing out,
Jake

I saw a young woman yesterday when I attended a J1100 event. A blond wearing all pink. This young blond woman sat at an event with a pink covered Mac computer. Her covering had two evident pieces of information for me to make an unfair judgement upon her.
One said: Paige.
The other said: ΔΔΔ.

Now my original first impression of this woman was pretty bad, but I stopped thinking about it a little bit later. I just couldn't stop thinking about how all of the stereotypes came out of me in one small moment. It is sad to think that I thought those things, but honestly... I find it funny in a sense that I saw that. Oh by the way the Mac symbol was bedazzled. Yep. Bedazzled. Have fun with that word today.

So I had a weird dream last night, but I can not get into it right now due to having class and a bunch of good ole homework to do. I will post later on.

OOOHHHHHH BY THE WAY!!!! I HAVE A MUSIC TALK SHOW THIS THURSDAY FROM 10AM TO 12PM. IT IS A TRIAL RUN TO SEE HOW I DO, BUT CALL IN AND SUPPORT (573) 882-8262!!!!

God Bless
Signing out,
Jake

God Bless
Signing out,
Jake

so if you wanna keep up with me
I can not be posting on this for a lil bit, but i will let you know when i can.... go to:
mytimetoshine45.wordpress.com
hope you guys follow along!
sorry about all this.

God Bless
Signing out,
Jake

Give me strength Lord. Let me have the strength to fight off the demons inside of me. I need this so bad Lord. Please set me free and point me in the right direction. I need so much right now. I need some guidance.

I give it all up to you.

God Bless
Signing out,
Jake

Check these out. These are great!








The last one is my favorite, but they are all great pictures.

God Bless
Signing out,
Jake